it hurts more in the daytime
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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