So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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