I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
