someone threw a dead crab at me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
