you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
