i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
