Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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