her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
