so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
