My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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