my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize