That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
