burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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