Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she smelled like a LAN party
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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