My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
