I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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