I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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