oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
