'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Randomize
