i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
