I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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