So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
