im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
