im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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