I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
