The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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