dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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