Umm I'm too high to move.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
