i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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