Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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