I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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