There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
