her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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