At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Is it because I queefed?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
