Just cropdusted the office
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
