just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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