eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
worst night to have a conscience
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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