What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
