There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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