I just threw up on my dentist
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
