Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
