There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
