yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
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