Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
