Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
