That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
