MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
