know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
