I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
