My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
