Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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