Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize