The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I AM VODKA MAN
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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