the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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