I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
