Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
