are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
