I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
