I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
