it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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