She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
