I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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