I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
