I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
